MusicBooksGod's Xanga

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 02:05:00 GMT

I've been thinking a lot about who I am lately, and... I really don't know. In some ways, I'm the same person I was three years ago, when I graduated from college with a degree I really didn't know what to do with, and married the man I still love.

When we got married, the plan was to move to North Carolina, where he had a job all lined up, and I'd work on setting up a vocal studio. But plans fall through. The job disappeared about a week before the wedding. We were still in Arkansas with nowhere to live and no jobs and about to spend all our saved money on a wedding (which was beautiful, and actually quite cheap- barely over a thousand dollars). So we played catch up. We scrambled around to find an apartment and I left applications around town before driving off on a short honeymoon. When we got back, we both had jobs. I would work at the local Hallmark store as a gift-wrapper, and hubby started working at the local Maytag plant, a job which lasted all of two days. Thus began the game of catch-up which we've been playing ever since.

Now here I am, three years later, and what do I have to show for any of it? We're still playing catch-up. My degree is still not earning it's price-tag. I just feel like I've been marking time while everyone else around me is moving forward, moving on with their lives.

Do I regret it? No. And yes. It's become obvious that some changes need to be made. But I don't know which changes to make- which of the available options to pursue. I believe that, once having made a decision, you shouldn't turn back on it. So that ups the stakes whichever way I choose to go.

I'm not asking for advice, though I wouldn't turn away any prayers you might offer on my behalf.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 02:48:15 GMT

Troublesome times are here,
Filling men's hearts with fear,
Freedom we all hold dear now is at stake.

Humbling your heart to God
saves from the chast'ning rod,
homeward we then will trod, Christians awake!

It seems to me that "popular" hymns/church songs nowadays lack a certain depth to them. They speak of everlasting love, praise, and adoration, but there's very little meat to them. Nothing to help the average Christian in their daily walk; no exhortation, no warnings, no reminders. They're pretty and fun to sing. On rare occasions, you may even find yourself truly worshipping while singing them, and that is no bad thing. But... I have a mind. And it's engaged even while singing. You have to understand- I graduated with a music degree. For my attention to be caught during a song service, the words have to mean something and actually change every so often. Mindless repetition is not my idea of worship.

There's a lot of negativism about Christianity in the world right now. People think badly of us if we say anything other than "God is love." Yeah, God is love. But guess what love without discipline gets you? Exactly where we are today. God does not change. He is still the same God who ordered the wholesale massacre of the Canaanites back in Joshua's day. He is still the God who sold His people into slavery time and time again, trying to get His message across. Do you honestly think we'll be spared? If you can't reconcile the God of the old testament with the God of the new... maybe you should read your Bible again.

The verses above seem very apt to me right now. Our country is in a very delicate state right now, and it could go in many different directions from here. So it's time to wake up and pay attention.

Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Tue, 02 Jun 2009 02:46:12 GMT

So. I have been gone for... quite some time. Even before I "left," my updates were sporadic at best. Maybe I'll be more consistent now. I don't know.

Anyway, this is where I am now. I have caught the writing bug, badly. Or should I say, goodly? Who can tell? The point is that I'm writing. I've joined an online writing group, not having found an actual one in my area. It's going well, so far- I submit something every two weeks on average. Sometimes less, if I'm blocked on something. Most of what I submit is very rough, even if the prose isn't bad- rough on consistency, on character building, on... so many things. But I'm really, really liking it, even though there are areas I need to improve in. I've always liked stories, whatever form they were in- now I'm a storyteller!

Another new development- Hubby got laid off last Wednesday. He is currently looking for a new job, but... pickings are slim. He has applied for unemployment, but it will not come close to replacing his paycheck, which is what we were using to pay the bills. My paychecks were merely feeding us- a bad part about having two part-time jobs, one of which is inconsistent (my students). It's irksome that this happened right at the point where bills were being paid consistently on time- for some reason, something always happens at that point which messes up the equilibrium. I can't even tell you how many times I've spoken to family members in the last year, saying, "Oh, we're finally on budget!", or "Maybe we'll be able to start saving soon!" Arg. I wonder if this is a problem afflicting most people, or just our little family? It's not like we're extravagant- we don't even get T.V. for crying out loud. Just rent, power, phone/internet, and loans. Oh, and cells. I suppose you could call cell-phones extravagant (I know I would have several years ago). Anyway, even cutting out cells and phone/internet (they come bundled), my paychecks would not cover what was left. I'm also thinking about looking for a different job, but I honestly don't know where to look.

I'm feeling increasingly lonely here. I have no friends (except for Hubby), and I say that with complete honesty. Friends are people who actually know you, who understand you, who want to spend time with you. Part of that is my fault- it's hard for me to open up to people. I'm more inclined to show them only a few aspects of my personality in the beginning, and then it gets harder to really be all of myself around them as our acquaintance progresses. My first part time job (the consistent one) just had an overhaul of employees, so now there are fewer people who are even close to knowing me there. I find myself checking the Xanga frontpage excessively when I'm online; xanga, and my writing group forum, and the other forum I'm a member of. I'm just starved for interaction of some sort- even if what they say makes me angry (which is often the case, lately, at least for xanga).

It's not all bad, though- I've got a niece on the way, should be here in a few days in fact. I just got back from a trip to see them, actually, said trip having been planned months ago surrounding a wedding taking place in the same area. One way or another, I believe God will take care of us. Will it require our participation? Most likely. Will it require some sacrifice? Probably. At this point, I almost wish the hammer would fall already, so the dread would stop eating me alive. I can deal with things when they happen- it's the anticipation which kills me. At the same time, I'm really hoping that the hammer decides NOT to fall. But I don't know which would be better for me as a person or a christian.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 14:44:33 GMT

Recent happenings in my life:

The book is still not finished, though almost constantly being worked on, in my head if nowhere else.

Sallie Mae is increasingly annoying and aggressive. But I'm going to put a spoke in their wheel! ha ha ha! ... not really, but it felt good to say it.

Hubby's been sick the last couple of days, and I think he just passed it on to me.

I have a three day weekend! Whee!

The local branch of Goody's went out of business, and we bought one of their three table displays. Hubby now has a new computer desk, we have a coffee table, and a set of shelves made it into our bedroom where we're making good use of it to hold excess clothing. Now if we could only find the money for a couch...

My oldest sister is coming for a visit at the end of April. I am taking time off work for this event, and I'm looking forward to it every day.

If everything goes well, and nothing drastic happens, we're going to be paying all of our bills on time by the end of the month. Little to nothing left over, of course, but it's a big step in the right direction! ... *sigh* nevermind...

*Sigh* My house is a mess.

And on that note... time to go do something productive.

Friday, January 09, 2009

Fri, 09 Jan 2009 14:32:12 GMT

Yesterday I read a blog by Papillon_Mom about her views on her faith and why she doesn't apologize for it. I also read a few of the comments below, and one of them really stood out to me. The poster said that requiring acceptance of Jesus Christ as your savior was not a *just* way of determining salvation. He said, "If the system is setup such that if I live an otherwise good and righteous life in every other conceivable way but I choose not to believe in Jesus as my Savior and as a consequence I go to Hell then whoever created such a system is a Jerk. That's the Truth. Plain and Simple."

Hmm. Sooo, because a salvation "system" was set up, and he chooses not to take advantage of it, God is a Jerk. Uh huh.

Let me illustrate what he's saying here.

A guy enrolls in college. He goes to classes, takes notes, and does the homework... but he never turns it in. His teachers come to him several times during the semester and say to him, "Where's your homework? You never turn it in. You're passing all the tests that I give during class, but those few grades are not going to be enough to get you a pass for this class. You need to turn in your homework if you want to pass my class. These are my office hours- come by any time." He ignores them. At the end of the semester, he flunks out of college. He proceeds to go home and complain to anyone who will listen about how UNFAIR it is that he didn't receive credit for homework which he never turned in, and how all his teachers are jerks.

A second illustration:

A girl is short on cash, so she decides to get a job. But instead of getting applications and going through the hiring process, she looks at all the fast food places in town and decides she wants to work for a local burger place. She steals a uniform, and shows up for work every day from 2-7. She's a good worker, the customers and the employees like her. At the end of the week, when everyone else gets their paycheck, she goes to the manager (who's been on vacation) and asks for hers. He says, "I've never seen you before. Let me check... hmm, you're not in our system. When were you hired?" She gets in a huff and says, "I've been working here for a week, and I'd like my pay, please!" He says, "Look, you're not in our system, there's nothing I can do." She goes home grumbling to herself. The next day the manager calls her and says, "I've been watching the security footage and talking to the other employees. You're a good worker, and I agree that you should get paid for the work that you did. Why don't you come in and fill out a hiring packet, and I will make sure that you get paid retroactively for last week, and you can continue working here?"
She proceeds to tell him off about how it's not fair that she should be required to fill out anything, and why can't he just pay her, since it's obvious from the security footage that she did the work? She refuses to come in and fill out the forms, and so she continues to go unpaid. BUT... she continues to show up for work every day from 2-7 unasked, and in fact warned by the manager that she will not be paid, all the while complaining to the employees and eventually customers about how she's not getting paid for the work that she's doing. Eventually, she's causing so much of a commotion that the manager calls the police to forcibly remove her from the premises, and gets a court order to bar her from coming to his store. All because she refused to fill out some forms.

Look. Having a system by which we can be saved, and maintaining that this is the only way to be saved, is not "unjust." It is not "unfair." If anything, NOT having such a system would be unjust and unfair.

Complaining about the system because *you choose* not to take advantage of it when you are given every opportunity is... childish. And incredibly arrogant. But you know what? God's not going to force it on you. You still have free will, and if you want to go to hell... I guess that's where you'll end up.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 20:22:39 GMT

Well, it's a new year. It doesn't seem quite so monumental, now that I'm out of school (and have been for two years), and therefore don't need to remember the new date each time I turn in homework... now the only time I have to remember the date is when I'm writing receipts for my students.

I caved in and got a World of Warcraft account almost a month ago. With SIL and BIL here, and hubby playing with them all the time, I got kinda tired of being left out. But the good news is that, while I am already addicted, it isn't like I have to be playing 25/7 (yes, twenty-*five*/seven). Not that I *could*, what with two jobs and housecleaning, but you get the picture. I worked most of the Holidays, including New Years Eve and Day, but most of my lessons were canceled, due to the music store doing inventory and kicking everyone out for those days. So I got to spend lots of time with the in-laws and the nephew and on WOW. Which is a really fun game, btw.

Heh. It was so cute watching my nevvie play with his presents. He's not quite old enough to grasp the concept of ripping off wrapping paper, but once the toys were out, Oh! he had fun!

Hubby and I got a miniature retro-style theatre popcorn popper. You know, the kind that they have at the movies and concession stands? Except tiny. Really tiny. But cute! It doesn't pop quite enough if you just make one pot, but it does a fairly good job. I don't see me giving up my stove-popped popcorn prowess anytime soon, but it was a neat gift, and Hubby likes it. I also FINALLY got crockpot! A really, really nice one with three bowl sizes. I am happy about this, though I have yet to actually use it.

SIL and BIL are going to let us "borrow" their washer and dryer, so that they can come over to our house to do laundry instead of going to the laundromat. This is both good and bad, as far as I'm concerned... I have a feeling I'm going to miss being able to take two and a half hours out of my day and getting four to six loads of laundry DONE- as in washed, dried, and folded (it takes me a while to actually put it away). Also, it will mean keeping my house in better order, seeing as how I'll never know when they're coming. Which is good, and maybe it'll become habit by the time they save enough to move into an apartment of their own.

Changes, changes... seems like they're everywhere nowadays... Not a bad thing, just something to think about.

Monday, December 01, 2008

Mon, 01 Dec 2008 14:31:58 GMT

NaNoWriMo is over. I reached the goal! Woo-hoo!

...But I still have to finish the book. However! I did reach the point where the main characters now know what they need to do to fix their problems. It will take them the rest of the book to do so, but at least I have to think less about setting everything up just right. More on that later.

Did you know that your generic Dollar store is probably selling some pretty nice Christmas decorations? For much cheaper than you could get elsewhere? Yeah, that's probably where I'm going to get my garlands and snazzy decorations this year. I want to put everything together myself anyway, so it makes more sense to get the components somewhere where they are cheaper. We found a lovely tree at Walmart the other day. It's not pre-lit, but it is gorgeous. 7.5 ft tall (which will just barely fit in the corner I have planned to put the tree in. We DO NOT need any new ornaments! When we got married (actually for me when my sisters got married), our families divided all the old ornaments between the children, so we have PLENTY!

I would write more, but I have to go to work...

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Wed, 26 Nov 2008 05:16:26 GMT

Another quick update because I'm staying up too late, which ironically means that I'm not tired. Go figure.

I've got about 9,636 words to go on NaNoWriMo. I'm going to make it. I am. And after that, I'm actually going to finish the book. Because it will be nowhere NEAR done by the target word count of 50,000 words. Maybe halfway. Maybe half of halfway... Lately I've taken to simply describing what's happening instead of actually putting thought and effort into drawn out dialogue and first person viewpoints. It moves the plot along and I feel like I'm actually getting somewhere, but at the same time it's really depressing to know I am capable of writing so badly. I keep reminding myself that it is only a humble first draft.

We'll be doing Thanksgiving with the in-laws on Thursday. All my inlaws, actually, except the ones who are related most directly to my sisters instead of me. There will be seven of us, including my nevvie. I really hope that my sis-in-law is feeling better by that point- she's been sick lately, and being pregnant, sick, and taking care of a one year old are not fun combinations. We help out whenever we can, but sometimes there's just too many people trying to do too many things and it's a case of "too many cooks in the kitchen." Metaphorically, anyway.

I do not have to work tomorrow or Thanksgiving, fortunately, though hubby does have to work on Thanksgiving. I guess they have to have someone there since they are open 24 hours a day, 365/6 days a year, and I'm just glad that his shift ends at three and that likely there will be few and far between shipments that day to keep track of. I myself do have to work on Friday and Saturday. Honestly, I don't think we'll be too busy during the day Friday, because my restaurant is not anywhere near a mall or other large shopping center or particularly popular stores. Thus, everyone will probably be traveling up to Greenville (an hour away) to shop there and won't be back until evening, by which time I will be off. But that's just my prediction, and it could be wrong.

Anyway, that's all from me for a while. I've got until Sunday at midnight to make the word count, but my personal goal is by bedtime on Friday.

Friday, November 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Nov 2008 23:20:21 GMT

Hi again...

Just a quick update- I decided to do NaNoWriMo, and it's going well. I am on schedule for word count per day, but I'm finding that, though I may complete the challenge in word count, it probably won't be the end of the book itself. I've written over 10,000 words now, and I'm not even done with Chapter 2. <.< Yeah, it's going to take a lot more than 50,000 words to finish this story. I think I'm going to have to toss word count out the window in terms of a way to measure my progress and just write, write, write until it's finished.

Anyway, I'm still going to work, church, my Monday night Bible class, and teaching all four of my lessons (except today... they cancelled ahead of time, but I didn't know that because the phone company is working in our area and cut off our phone, so I never got the message. Therefore the phone company owes me gas money.
Ok, bye!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Wed, 29 Oct 2008 05:08:06 GMT

Tonight is one of those weird nights when I'm not actually tired. It's 2 am, but I'm not tired. I'm wide awake. I tried going to bed, but it just wasn't working. So I got back up. Got on the computer a bit, read my Bible a little...

I'm thinking of doing National Novel Writing Month this year- NaNoWriMo to those of you who know. But I don't know for sure, yet. I did go ahead and create a username and account for myself if I end up doing it- I still have a few days to decide for sure since it doesn't officially begin until Nov. 1st. Here's the thing. I really like writing. It's fun, it's interesting, it challenges my imagination and my ability to paint those visions in print. But... I just rededicated my life to Jesus, and the things I enjoy reading and writing about most are not things I'd think would get his approval stamp (in my head I reason it would be a lot like me writing something, and then at the end a thunderous voice from Heaven would call down, "I am God, and I approve this message!" ... or some such thing. Ech, too much politics lately!). Also, this refrain from a song has been weighing rather heavily on me in regards to this: "In word or deed, as God decreed, do all in the name of the Lord." Which is the same thing as above, only set to music.
So the upshot of all this is that I'm still not sure about it. I know I don't have to start out with anything in particular, I don't even have to have any idea about what I'll be writing about, but I do LIKE to have an idea to start out with and be excited about! It makes the process of writing so much easier!

Anyway... I'll let you know Nov. 1st, or before. I wonder if there's a delete option on those accounts...?